Well, you can't really spank
them anymore, can you? It's a
little distressing... disciplining a teenager while you are
looking up at them. In fact, most teenage boys can simply pick
their mothers up and move them out of their way if they so
choose. So how does a parent go about instilling strong life
lessons in their teenage children and help them grow into
wonderful, fulfilled, and responsible adults?
Discipline and punishment, in my book, are two different things.
Punishment is about power, exerting power over your child when
they have messed up. Punishment implies anger. Discipline is
about educating a child, young or old, about their behavior and
the impending consequences. We discipline because we want them
to grow up and be productive and happy people in the world.
Unfortunately, teenagers tend to tune out a lot of the normal
parental efforts to discipline and parents often feel that
punishment works better because it gets their attention.
Getting your kids to listen to you is not as easy as it used to
be. When five minutes in the time out chair was a playtime
killer and going to bed ten minutes early was a serious
punishment, your kids were much more likely to heed your words
and listen intently so they could learn to get themselves out of
their predicament. Now they are big and the time out chair is
laughable and they often even seem to enjoy the challenge of
getting themselves out of their predicaments with their own wits.
In many ways, we can equate disciplining a teenager with
manipulating a teenager. They want to be free to do their own
thing and to create their life as they see fit. We want them to
pitch in around the house, make nice with their sister, and keep
their grades up. Because each of these wants is tied in with the
other's actions, we tend to manipulate our kids more than
discipline them. This isn't some horrid parenting sin.
Sometimes, it's the only way to get their attention in order to
move into the education portion of discipline.
Kids with cars, eventful social schedules, or serious hobbies
are the ones that are most likely to listen up when those things
are threatened in the form of discipline. When ood grades mean
that they can participate in the sport they are passionate about
and gas money is contingent upon keeping up with the daily
chores, kids tend to be more cooperative. This is because there
is more to manipulate them with. When they are failing to
provide the appropriate behavior that we would like to see, we
have something to take away from them in order to change their
behavior. Like I said, this is often how we help them open up
their ears so that the educational portion of discipline can
follow.
To gain any useful benefit from the manipulation stage, we have
to put forth effort during the secondary discipline stage. Once
we have their attention, it is important to talk with them about
why they are in their current predicament and how to prevent it
in the future. If you shut down their car use for a week due to
slipping grades, use that week to discuss how your teen can
learn to balance his activities more responsibly so that he
doesn't wind up in the same situation. Discussing why slipping
grades are more important than using a car can help him grasp
that you are looking beyond his action packed weekend and into
his college bound future. Ultimately, you want him to recognize
that you didn't dole out the punishment and discipline just to
take their car away. You want him to recognize that you are
concerned that he may have lost sight of the fact that his
college education is more important than his moment to moment
fun.
Discipline is a tricky art form. You have to maintain a position
of power in the life of a teenager if you want them to realize
that your word counts for anything. We have all witnessed a
young child whom has figured out at an early age that his parent
doesn't mean what they say and there really won't be any serious
consequence for their behavior. Perhaps you have witnessed this
in a grocery store or other public venue. The child not only
refuses to stop the behavior that the parent has corrected, but
they will actually escalate the behavior the more the parent
tries to correct them. Usually the parent continuously comes up
with various threats. The child continues to misbehave because
they already know that these are empty threats and that nothing
is really going to happen. When that child grows into a teenager
(without any type of adjustment to the lack of consequences)
that teen will walk all over the parent because there will be no
reason to adhere to the rules then, either.
Of course, we don't want our children to be terrified of us,
either. We aren't looking to brutally beat them with some handy
apparatus just because they came home five minutes late. Parents
need to have rules, but becoming a drill sergeant in your own
home is most likely a bit excessive. Provided that you mean what
you say and follow through with action and still be willing (at
the appropriate time and place) to listen and talk with your
child about their behavior and the consequences, you can foster
a nice balance of discipline and growth without being
unreasonable.
That sweet balance between tyrant and pushover can take a little
trial and error practice. When you are dealing with teenage
behavior, intelligent discussion, fair and natural consequences,
and the strong ability to stick to your guns is what is most
beneficial all the way around. Teenagers can make you want to
tear your hair out one minute and melt your heart the next. They
can be master manipulators while in the next breath become the
brainless wonder--child of the century. Disciplining a teenager
requires firm and decisive action on your part and an ear for
meaningful and productive conversations that lead to better
behavior down the line.
About the author:
David Beart is the owner of the Professors House. This
site contains a wealth of articles on such topics as raising teenagers and marriage advice.
