Listen. Ask questions. We have to be ready to listen. Brown,
along with most others who talk about bullying and school
safety, suggests that this is the most important thing for
parents to do. After you have listened to your child's story and
feel confident that you understand how she feels about what
happened, you can begin to ask questions like, "What do you
think you can say next time? What do you think might work?" Help
your child see what the outcome might be of their words and
actions. For example, do some role plays and let her figure out
what's really going to work in this situation. (Sometimes our
best intended ideas don't really pan out in a school setting,
and kids know that). Ask "What's going to make you feel better
about this situation?" But make sure you're not the one coming
up with the solution. It's important that your daughter feels
like she's solving the problem on her own terms, and also that
she feels she can tell you if she is in over her head, and needs
you to intervene on her behalf. (For more on this, see "My Child
is being Bullied: What Should I do?"
http://www.empoweringparents.com/being-bullied.php) Make sure
that your daughter knows that it's okay to be angry. "Let her
voice her sense of betrayal, and let her know that she has the
right to expect better. She is a person who is valuable," says
Brown. Part of the process of reinforcing that your daughter is
valuable and doesn't have to take this treatment is to help her
find tools to cope with her situation using her own courage and
resilience. Ask her what would help her the most, and let her
tell you how she thinks she might handle the situation the next
time it occurs.

Help her find alternatives to her situation within the school.
Brown suggests that parents play out different options for
dealing with the situation, whether by simply talking through
options ranging from finding allies and other friends, to
getting involved in programs that spur a social life not so
reliant upon people in your child's school. Remind your daughter
that allies turn up in unexpected places including kids in other
groups. It is not uncommon for kids, even in a small school, to
be surprised to find out that they have something in common with
the student who sits next to them in math class. Like adults,
kids develop social ruts. When those ruts fail us, it's time to
look, and sometimes not very far, for a change.

Show her how to shift her focus outward: If her school friends
feel like the center of her universe and they are turning on
her, open up the possibility of another universe outside of the
school walls, where she knows that she can be a good friend, and
have good friends. If your child does not have the option of
reaching across a hallway or social group to make new alliances,
consider turning her focus outward, whether to a
community-sponsored art class or music lesson or a new or
beloved sport. Team sports have long been touted for developing
girls' self esteem, and if the school environment doesn't seem
like the best place to let that happen, look into town or city
leagues. Give her the choice of trying something she's always
wanted to do. Your daughter does not have to be a star to
benefit from the sense of collegiality and support of a team,
which requires depth and diversity to function well. If team
sports don't suit your child's disposition, look to fencing,
cycling, martial arts, theater, chorus, bowling--the activity
itself doesn't matter as much as the positive social experience.
Ultimately, the goal is to give your daughter an outlet where
she can increase confidence and widen her circle, to assure her
that she doesn't deserve to be targeted by her friends, and that
she doesn't have to take that kind of treatment.

Illegal or Physically Threatening Behavior If the behavior is
illegal or if she has been threatened with harm, if her property
has been destroyed or she has been physically assaulted, a
parent has no choice but to let the school know and contact law
enforcement. In those severe situations - whether they involve
threats online, assault, or sexual harassment--a parent should
take action and get help. Laws frequently change, and vary from
state to state. If your child is the target of illegal activity,
contact authorities immediately. Bear in mind that it may
diminish the severity of the situation to describe a threat as
mere "bullying," so be clear and specific about what has
happened, both for your daughter's sake, and also as you
identify what has occurred when reporting to law enforcement.
That said, police are sensitized to these issues, are
increasingly able to trace cyber activity, and are willing to
level punishments against aggressors. (Editor's note: For more
on this, see "Combat Cyberbullying") Fortunately, as horrible -
and well-publicized--as those situations are, they remain few
and far between, and should not become the framework by which we
assess our daughters' interactions with their peers.

Talking to the School

Of course, school is still the place you send your daughter to
learn, and though seeking a source of friendship, confidence and
engagement outside of school may turn out to be necessary and/or
helpful, it may not obviate the need, or your desire, to let
teachers and administrators know what's going on. This can be a
tricky dilemma for parents whose children may insist that they
not tell anyone.

If you decide to talk to your child's school, I recommend
transparency rather than going to school officials in secret and
against your child's will. In other words, let your child know
what you are doing ahead of time. It is essential that your
child trusts you, and continues to confide in you. If the
situation is upsetting to her but is not severe, ask her if she
feels like she can take on and conquer it safely on her own. She
may be able to resolve a situation that might otherwise act as a
drain on her confidence. I believe that resilience is a skill
and an art, and we deprive our children of a form of survival
training when we deny them the chance to bounce back on their
own terms. However, if your daughter seems to want your
assistance but is concerned that she will feel ridiculed for
seeking help, see if you can figure out a way to get that help
and stay behind a curtain.

As you approach this issue, bear in mind that bullying rarely
happens in a vacuum. Most teachers will be willing to talk to an
entire class or a smaller group of students about what they have
witnessed. For some kids, merely having the spotlight shown on
their behavior by a respected adult can act as a deterrent. This
is particularly true of the quiet cuts and rumor-spreading that
characterizes relational bullying, as these same students
causing harm may be accustomed to getting along well with
teachers and flying under the radar. Moreover, chances are that
although she feels very much alone, your daughter is not the
only person who has been targeted at her school or even by the
particular child who is doing the bullying--and any one of the
targets (or even the teacher) could have potentially raised this
issue. This limits the risk that your child will be labeled a
"tattle tale."

Brown mentions another important thing to consider when dealing
with schools: "Teachers are people with their own baggage, and
many find it personally difficult to address the bullying,
especially the relational aggression, they see or hear in the
hallways and cafeterias." Moreover, she says, "Schools can have
norms and even formal policies that privilege some kids over
others, say those on sports teams or those who can afford
special trips. This reality filters down to students and impacts
how they treat one another." If you think this is the case in
your child's school, Brown suggests that you speak to the
principal, superintendent, or even a school board member.
"Encourage them to take the school's climate more seriously and
explore ways to educate and empower both students and staff."

Dealing with Your Own Anger Once your child has made her way
through a fight and healed wounds with a friend, whether with
your help or on her own, there's a good chance you will face
another obstacle: your own anger. Like the father at the
beginning of this article, many parents struggle with the urge
to bar the offending child from the house or the desire to
forbid your child to talk to her. Brown urges a more nuanced
approach. "While kids are less cognitively and psychologically
sophisticated, in one way children are very much like adults:
they're complex," Brown says. She reminds parents that it might
take your child awhile to figure out that the kid who burned her
is a friend she really doesn't want to have. As parents, we can
help provide our children with the framework, or scaffolding,
for making that decision. We can talk to them about what we can
expect and what we deserve from a true friend, what is fair, and
how to deal with conflict, including specific words and
role-playing. Encourage her to say what she feels and thinks,
what she likes and doesn't. We might even talk about how a child
who has been labeled a bully might be suffering, and from what.
But as to whether that girl can be your friend? "That's not for
the mother or father to decide," Brown says. If she knows that
she is valued and has your support and deserves good friends,
she'll figure out who she wants her friends to be. A key element
of Brown's approach is to remind your daughter that though she
does have to be respectful to everyone, she does not have to be
friends with everyone. With this is coupled some relational
self-defense. Tell your daughter: "Choose the people you let in
carefully." The message here: "You don't need to let everybody
in."

Ultimately, our best weapon against relational bullying--or any
bullying--is to have an open line of communication with our
kids, so they know that they can turn to us and count on us for
sensible advice, long before the problem becomes too big or
scary. Talk about it with your daughter, and let the process of
building healthy, long lasting friendships and resilient allies
begin.

By Peggy Moss has worked to eradicate bullying for more than a
decade, first as a prosecutor with the Department of Attorney
General in Maine, and later as an educator and curriculum
developer with the Center for the Prevention of Hate Violence
and the Cromwell Disabilities Center. Peggy has written two
award-winning books for elementary-aged children on bullying,
Say Something and most recently Our Friendship Rules,
co-authored by Dee Dee Tardiff..