Here are lessons I've learned
about dealing with family members:
1. We are obviously
genetically linked with family members, having most of the
same genes. That's big. That means that on many levels we
have a tremendous amount in common. We may not behave
exactly the same way, but we are essentially similar. It
helps to examine what the similarities are at a base level,
so that we can work with them.
For instance, I come from a
very intense family, where everyone wants to be right. Ouch.
That can be challenging for a person like me, who hates to
argue. I had to look at why I argue. Because I want to be
right... like them. When I finally realized this I could
step back and be objective. How important is being "right"
to me? In most instances it's irrelevant who is right. When
I step back I can SEE the other person more clearly. I then
have the power to act instead of react and can choose how I
respond or not.
The characteristics that
bother us the most about family members (and others) are
often the characteristics that we share. How can you tell if
you share it? When the family member says or does something
to you that makes you angry, you probably are seeing a
mirror on some level. Look at yourself closely and work on
accepting that part of yourself.
2. Boundaries tend to fall
apart in many families. We get in each others face and
space. Somehow the rules of outside decorum don't apply and
we invade each other. Maintain your boundaries with your
family. Know what you need and accept, and don't get pushed
around.
For example, members of my
family tend to be critical of each other. I know from
introspection that I have a tendency to be critical of
others and especially of myself. I accept that in myself and
can mitigate some of my tendencies. I decided to stop
criticizing myself (sometimes works, sometimes doesn't) and
also decided that I wouldn't accept unsolicited criticism
from others. I had to tell my family members that I could no
longer be around them if they were critical of me. That
meant being away from one or two of then for awhile, until
they agreed to accept my boundaries.
I can't say they don't
criticize me (or me them), but they are much better about
it. If they aren't I don't put up with it and walk away, and
I no longer take it personally. I've learned a lot from
being around family. I can often feel compassion for them,
and even amusement. Other times, I'm still learning.
The key is, know what you
need. Let others know and kindly enforce your boundaries.
3. Don't expect to get
along. If it happens, great. If not, accept it. For most
families there's going to be friction. If you accept this
going in and see it as an opportunity to grow you may get a
lot out of the interaction. At first you may try being with
them for shorter periods. Increase the time when you feel
ready.
Also, plan on taking off -
time alone - when you're with them for longer periods.
You'll need time to process and recoup your energy from all
the effort you put into personal growth. You'll find that
over time you'll begin to change and grow - to behave better
and maybe appreciate them more. You may even find you love
yourself and your family members more.
4. All of the above applies
to family situations where the members aren't abusive
(emotionally or physically), rude or taking advantage of
others. If this is the case, stay away until you know you're
safe.
5. We tend to think of our
families as the most important part of our world. They can
be an extremely important role. However, they are only a
part of your life. Focus time on your friendships with
others and with your mate or partner, and appreciate the
life outside of family.
I hope this answers your
question. I know how challenging it can be to be around or
to get along with family. I don't claim to be an expert on
this. I'm still learning. I guess I will be as long as I
have family.
If you'd like assistance
with relating with others email me at
debhill@theAwarenessInitiative.com.
Copyright Deborah Hill All
Rights Reserved.
