1. Be open to listening, your
son has something valid he wants to say
'They say', we have two ears
and one mouth for a reason, to speak more than we listen.
Sometimes as moms we get wrapped up in our busy lives and
forget (not deliberately) that our sons are there and they
need us to listen to them. Not just listen to the words they
use but listen to what is behind the words. Say, for example
you are on your way out, perhaps to the shops, perhaps to
the internet café etc and your son says to you, 'mom are you
going out?' It's usually obvious to both of you that you are
going out - what is he really asking though? Perhaps he's
saying, 'mom, I don't want you to go, or mom', 'I'd like to
talk to you', or 'mom, something is bothering me - what do
you think'?
What do you do? You know
you are in a hurry. You really don't have time to talk at
that time. It's really about choices - how important is what
you have to do? Does it have to be done in that moment? If
not, that's fine, you might perhaps make the choice to act
flexibly enough to stop and talk to your son.
If you really do need to
pay attention to something else and not to him in that
moment - then just say very clearly, you know what he has to
say is important and you would like to talk to him. Agree a
time to have that conversation where your attention is not
so divided.
In listening to your son,
it is so important to be aware if you have lots of other
things going on in your mind at the same time and to ask the
question - to what extent am I really listening? If you
notice you have a lot of verbal traffic in your head, it
would be useful to make a conscious decision to deal with
those other matters later. Our children know when we are not
listening to them. Listen, consciously and awarely, with
good eye contact, perhaps sitting down or walking and
talking and focusing just on him in that moment. He'll
really appreciate it.
Listening to him, without
interrupting and putting your own thoughts and views in is a
real skill that is great to develop. Sometimes that's all
they need is a listening ear.
2. Encourage talking
I think encouraging our
sons to talk is a good skill for us as moms to develop. We
live in societies often times where males are not
necessarily encouraged to talk and not encouraged to talk
about their feelings.
Here are some ways to
encourage your son to talk:
• Ask him what he is
thinking and how he is feeling
• Let him know that what he has to say is important.
Some of the ways to do this
is:
o To tell him what he has
to say is important to you and others.
o When he says something, use what he says in the
conversation. If for example he is talking about one of his
hobbies, and he talks about how much he is enjoying it, you
may acknowledge that you really hear and appreciate that he
is loving his hobby (obviously you would use the language
that most suites your style of speaking)
• Use of non-verbal cues,
such as nodding your head, voice volume (e.g. soft and
welcoming), smiling (as apposed to frowning), gentle hand
gestures (as opposed to sudden startling ones), be aware if
you are feeling relaxed or stressed - this may leak out in
the form of your body language (open or closed) - open, for
example, with your arms uncrossed and closed may be the
opposite.
• Use age appropriate language
• Let your son finish his sentence
• Don't finish his sentences for him
3. Avoid one way
conversations, really sit and listen to your son
One way conversations with
you in the driving seat isn't really a good idea.
I guess to some extent
we've all had these types conversations where someone is
literally boring your to death and you're there physically
but not mentally - and in that way you switch off. Well you
know this is exactly what your son will be doing if you
engage in monologue as opposed to dialogue.
Here are some things you
want to avoid when you are 'listening' to your son:
Talking at him, that could be considered a form of
preaching, asking 'why' all the time which could be seen as
interrogating, making judgements about what he is saying
particularly if those judgements are not deemed as helpful
by him, and so the list continues.
Sitting and listening to
your son, does mean not getting caught up in distractions;
it means maintaining good eye contact, repeating back to him
some of the things he has said so that he knows he has been
heard, this will also enable him to let you know if you've
got what he said slightly wrong and so you might listen even
more closely.
4. Ask open questions and
listen for the answer
Open questions - who, what,
when, why, where and how...
In starting communication
with these words this will often lead to increased
conversation and a willingness to maintain a dialogue. They
enable the speaker to have an idea that the listener really
wants to listen and is interested in what is being said.
It's difficult to give a
yes or no answer using these words and that is the beauty of
them. The speaker is encouraged to think through and
elaborate on ideas etc.
5. Develop mutual trust
Developing a mutual trust
really does come from having a mutual respect between you
and your son, one that is based on love, caring, sharing and
understanding. Mutual trust is developed through recognition
that even if there are disagreements about what is being
said; those disagreements will not spill over into
name-calling, sneering, and put-downs etc.
Mutual respect is built up
over time and is ongoing. At its heart is a sense of
justice; a sense that your son has been treated fairly,
openly and honestly. This will pay huge dividends in the
long run.
