As a parent, sometimes it
seems like your day is filled with an endless stream of
backtalk from your kids-you hear it when you ask them to do
chores, when you tell them it's time to stop watching TV,
and when you lay down rules they don't like. It's one of the
most frustrating and exhausting things that we deal with
when we raise our kids.
Backtalk comes from a sense of
powerlessness and frustration. People don't like to feel
powerless, and that includes children. So when kids are told
"no" they feel like something's been taken from them. They
often feel compelled to fill that empty space with backtalk.
I want to make the distinction here between backtalk and
verbal abuse, because many times people confuse these two
very different things. If your child has started saying
hurtful or harmful things, the line between backtalk and
verbal abuse has been crossed. For instance, if a child is
cursing you, calling you names or threatening you, that's
verbal abuse. If your child is saying, "This isn't fair, you
don't understand, you don't love me," that's backtalk.
Verbal abuse is a very
negative behavior and has to be dealt with aggressively and
up front. It's not that backtalk is harmless, but it's
certainly not as hurtful and hostile and attacking as verbal
abuse is. For parents who are dealing with verbal abuse in
their home right now, rest assured that we'll be addressing
this topic in an upcoming article.
Backtalk itself can take
several forms. One is the kid who can't keep quiet, no
matter what you say: he or she has got to have the last
word. And then there's the child who wants you to understand
their point after you've already said "no." It's easy for
kids to get into the mindset of, "If I could just explain it
better, you'd understand my situation." So you'll get kids
who present their problem or request repeatedly in the hopes
that their parents will give in and respond to it. If their
parents don't give them the answer they want, those kids
will then try to re-explain, as if the parent doesn't
understand. Often, as they launch into their explanation for
the third or fourth time, the child and the parent will both
get more frustrated until it ends up in an argument or a
shouting match.
Don't Respond to
Backtalk: You've already set the limit
Why do parents react to
backtalk after they've already won the argument? I think
parents often see it as their job to respond to their
children: to teach, train and set limits on them. And
backtalk is an invitation to do just that. Just as the child
re-explains things to the parent if they're told "no," the
parent "talks back" and re-explains things to their child.
So the parent's mindset seems to be, "If you really
understood what I was saying, you wouldn't talk back to
me-you'd accept my answer." Let me be clear here: That's not
a rational mindset. It leads parents into attending and
prolonging arguments in which they don't need to engage.
Parents sometimes see backtalk as a challenge to their
authority, but as long as you accomplish your objective, the
fact is that your authority is fully intact.
Here's an example:
Your child: "Can I stay out
until 10 tonight?"
You: "No, because you have
to get up early tomorrow for soccer practice."
Your child: "Who cares? I
don't need that much sleep."
You should stop right
there. Any conversation you engage in after that is meant to
convince your child that you have sound judgment. Know this:
that's the wrong objective because it addresses a completely
different issue-whether or not you made a good decision. So
once you give a reasonable explanation for the rule you've
stated, your job is done. You can repeat it again if need
be. You've already won the fight. But when you try to
convince your child that you're right and they continue to
challenge you through backtalk, you're just going to get
more frustrated. Your job as a parent is not to get your
child to accept the reasonableness and rationality of your
decisions. You just need them to follow the rules. Look at
it this way: when a cop stops you for speeding, he doesn't
care if you think that 35 miles an hour is too slow. He just
tells you what the law is. If you argue with him, he repeats
what the law is. If you don't accept it, he hands you your
ticket and walks away. If you become verbally abusive, he
arrests you. Try to think of yourself as the cop here-you're
the parent making the rules, and your child needs to accept
them or pay the consequences.
Shutting Down
Backtalk: The Plan
In order to put a stop to
backtalk, there are several things you have to do. First of
all, when things are good, sit down with your child and lay
down some ground rules. Discussions about these rules are
critical to good communication and to cooperation down the
road. I guarantee that you'll feel better as a parent if you
set up rules and follow them with your children. Your goal
then becomes following the ground rules instead of trying to
achieve your child's acceptance. The first rule is, "I'll
explain something once and I'm not going to talk more after
that. If you try to argue or debate, I'm going to walk away.
If you follow me or if you continue there will be
consequences." You set limits on backtalk and you don't give
it power.
Another option is to set up
a certain time of day in which your kid can talk
back to you. You can say to them, "From 7-7:10 p.m., you can
ask me to re-explain all my decisions. Save it for then. If
you need to, write it down in a journal. Then at 7 o'clock,
we'll sit down and I'll explain to you why you can't date a
22 year old or how come you got grounded for smoking. But at
7:15, our discussion is done. If you try to keep it going
there will be consequences." That way, if you feel like you
want to give your child an outlet to air his or her
grievances, there's a way to do it without getting bogged
down in constant arguing.
Remember, there are two
kinds of days that a kid has: there are good days and then
there are days when things don't go their way. Don't try to
fight the tide of disappointment that kids experience. They
will use backtalk to get their way, but as a parent, you
have to accept the fact that they will not always be happy
with your decisions. Your job is to set the rules and
enforce them because those roles are for your kid's
development and safety. Whether they like those rules or
not, they have to learn to live with them.
