Stressful Conversations and Solutions That Work

Top business schools make a point of studying human behavior because it can cost money if it is screwed up. Make a top employee bristle on the way out and your company secrets could be going out the door with her. Emotional? You can bet she will be. What's she going to do? Dissolve into tears or scratch your eyes out? Now what will you do?

Here are 3 techniques Harvard Business researcher Holly Weeks teaches us, to help us learn to sail through the difficult conversations we all face, whether in every day life or at work. If we master these little tricks, we can be satisfied that we were understood by our listener in a way that helps us achieve our goal.

* Clarity -- be very clear about what you are saying. Holly Weeks says, "Let your words do the work for you. Avoid...talking in circles - tell people clearly what you mean," trying to get a difficult point across is hard enough. Don't talk around a subject. Failing to be clear in stressful conversation only ads to the confusion and tension.

What we need to understand is that if we speak clearly the listener can better process the information you are giving him. Don't avoid difficult conversations. Let your manager know immediately when his job is in jeopardy. He feels defeated but dignified, you feel hopeful for his future and safer.

* Neutrality -- Be like NASA! No matter how dire the situation is, their bad news is delivered in a neutral tone. "Houston, we have a problem", a classic line but a good tool to use when delivering bad news. Could you imagine the true feelings coming out in such an announcement? Cursing comes to mind, as well as screaming. Behavior like that will not accomplish the main goal which is to get everyone home safely.

What we need to understand is that a neutral tone of voice works, "Although it is hard to maintain a neutral tone when overcome by strong feelings, it is the desired norm in crisis communications," says Weeks.

 

When a child who has just learned to walk falls flat on his face does mom scream and pick the child up with a terrified look? If you speak in a neutral tone of voice your chance of getting heard so that the listener (animal, baby, employee, relative) understands you clearly are very good.

* Temperance -- Here's an intemperate phrase for you, "I'm calling my lawyer!" Instantly the heat is turned up on this conversation. If you want to make someone bristle with anger, say something like that.

Weeks reminds us that we ultimately do have a goal during a stressful conversation, and that is to "hear and be heard accurately, and to have a functional exchange between two people." Meaning, you are fired and now you must take your stuff and leave peacefully -- a tall order in a highly charged situation.

She suggests that instead of screeching "Stop interrupting me!" Try this instead, put your palm up and say carefully, "Can you hold on a minute? I want to finish before I lose my train of thought." Use careful phrasing to take the stress out of the conversation.

References:

Weeks, Holly, "Taking the Stress out of Stressful Conversations," Harvard Business School Publishing, 2001.

Michelle Beeck has a BA in Psychology, CU Boulder; Owner Smart Cleaning Inc. 28 years; helping people understand each other better through a working knowledge of basic psychological techniques. You can contact her at http://smartcleaning1.com/ Watch for the next series on protecting your job during a recession.