Margaret was frustrated. Her mother insisted on doing things the same way she always had - dressing herself in the morning, driving (or trying to), shopping, even cooking for herself and Margaret. This despite the fall she'd had last year, the one that forced her into the decision between living with Margaret or in a supported-living or convalescent home. Since Mom considered that to be the next thing to death, she'd chosen Margaret.

On days like today, Margaret almost wished she'd chosen the other option. The argument today: whether or not to take her blood-pressure medicine. "It makes me shaky."

 

It isn't the blood-pressure medicine that is making her shaky; it's really her age. But Mom can't admit to herself or to Margaret that this is the case. The discussion devolved into a SHOUTING match, with Mom finally crying before she took the pills. Margaret felt horrible, guilty, and evil.

Worse, she felt helpless, frustrated, and angry. For the fourth time, she put the pamphlet for the convalescent home back in its drawer, on top of six others for different homes, with different prices and amenities.

What can Margaret do to straighten out this distressing situation?

It could be as simple as Margaret just trying to understand where Mom - Charlotte - is coming from.

In Charlotte's head:

She's still the mother, the one who should be in charge.

She feels helpless, the same way she felt when she had fallen down last summer.

She feels powerless to do anything about the gradual decay of her body and faculties.

Some days, she feels her thoughts leaking away, drifting to another year, and then she realizes with a jolt that she's eighty-something, that eighteen will never be here again, and all she is looking toward is the inevitable decline to the end. You agree that this is a pretty depressing and scary thought.

So she resists. She doesn't want to make Margaret feel bad, but darn it, Charlotte is still the mom. She diapered that girl's bottom fifty-some years ago. The medicine makes her shaky, makes her feel less powerful, and she doesn't want anything to do with it. She always got by fine without it.

***

Margaret- the daughter- doesn't know what's going on in Charlotte's head, but she needs to find out. She has to look at the situation through Mom's eighty year plus eyes and not only through her fifty year old ones.

Instead of being at odds, she should take Charlotte out for coffee or some other pleasure, something Charlotte has always enjoyed.

Instead of treating Charlotte as a child, she should take joy in getting to know her mother as an adult, learning all the things Charlotte has to teach her.

 

In approaching Charlotte as an equal, instead of in the uneven power structure of the mother-daughter relationship, Margaret will accomplish two things.

First, she will help Charlotte regain her sense of control, the first thing that frightens an elderly person who realizes that the end is finally approaching.

Second, she will be able to see Charlotte in a different light, and understand what Charlotte is going through in a different way.

Children fear their parents' deaths, but they sometimes forget how their parents also fear their own death. Instead of focusing in themselves, the children have to see the world through their parents' eyes - no matter how personally frightening that may be. This will always make the relationship shift to the better.

In their little coffee break - repeated at least weekly, preferably twice a week - Margaret can become friends with Charlotte. Their natural love shifts to a close friendship, and Margaret is able to help Charlotte understand why the medicine is necessary. A talk to the doctor helps them find a medication that makes Charlotte feel less shaky, and more aware of today.

This is an overly-simplified story, of course. Developing a friendship with your elderly parent is a great deal of work, and requires a lot of patience. But it's also incredibly rewarding, and you can find a whole new person by just talking together, understanding one another, and facing the inevitable as friends.