Violence is the extreme end of
aggression. Remember that not all kids who are aggressive
become violent. When children and teens use violence to get
what they want-whether it's punching a sibling in the
stomach or punching a hole in the wall-it usually involves a
scenario where they're being told "no" to something they
want to do, or they're being told they have to do something
they don't want to do. What actually happens is
that the child gets frustrated and angry and hasn't learned
any other way to deal with these feelings than to strike
out-often at the adults involved.
One way of looking at this is
that your child's frustration, disappointment and anger are
problems that he solves by being violent. Another way of
looking at this is that the kid's use of aggression and
violence has worked successfully so far. It's become his
primary problem-solving technique and a means for gaining
power in the home. When he hears the word "no" and feels
frustrated and powerless, he hits someone or something and
the adults in the situation back off, give in and don't
require him to comply. Striking out gives him back a sense
of power.
If kids are gaining power
by being violent, the first thing that you have to do is
take away the power by not tolerating the violence. Now,
there are different levels of violence in people's houses.
And there's different power that kids get from it. I can't
answer every level of violence in one article, but it should
be understood that if it gains power in a family, that
family is in a lot of trouble and may need outside help.
Violence is a seductive shortcut to power. And once it
works, it's hard to get kids to accept alternative ways of
getting power. Many times, parents need a comprehensive
behavioral program to manage this problem.
As the parent, you have to
teach kids problem-solving skills so that they have an
alternative way of dealing with these situations and
feelings. The following are steps you can take to help your
child:
Set Limits.
Accept no excuse for abuse. Write this on a piece of paper
and put it on the refrigerator. Let "There's no excuse for
abuse" become the motto of your household. Hold your child
responsible for his or her violent behavior no matter what
the justification. Remember, being verbally provoked does
not justify a violent response.
Hold Kids
Accountable and Give Consequences: Make sure there
are consequences attached to those limits that you set. And
make sure those consequences are set up as learning
experiences.
Monitor the Media
in Your Home: Not all kids can listen to violent
rap or metal music and then come down and be nice at dinner.
Monitoring and excluding violent media, including TV,
videos, music and computer, gives the whole family the theme
that violence is not going to be glamorized in your home.
Be a Role Model for
Your Child: As a parent, you need to be a role
model. If you and your spouse are hurting one another or
hurting your children to get your way, don't be surprised if
your kids mimic that. Kids watch parents for a living-it's
their job, it's what they do. If parents model shortcuts and
poor problem-solving, it's natural that the kids are going
to follow suit.
Let me be very clear: if
one parent is behaving violently, it's the other parent's
job to protect that child. I'll say it again-accept no
excuse for abuse. This is my nice way of saying if you're
locked in a relationship where your partner is being violent
with your children, it's your job to protect your children
no matter what the cost to that relationship. There are
cases where parents will cross the line into violence when
they're frustrated and angry because the techniques they're
trying with their kids are not working. Sadly, that's no
excuse. Children who are treated violently often grow up to
be violent adults.
If parents find themselves
crossing the line, that's a sure sign they need outside
help. My advice to them is to seek it as soon as possible.
Also, parents should understand that if they become violent
because their child is unmanageable or out of control, it is
still against the law. If there's a child welfare
investigation or they go into court, the parents are going
to be blamed for all the kid's problems whether their
violence originally caused the issues or not.
Violence in Younger
Kids
If you have a younger child
who is displaying violent or destructive behavior, think of
it as a warning sign. First of all, be very aware of
violence in younger children, because kids who are five, six
and seven who use violence to get their way have an
extraordinarily high rate of being violent as teens and
young adults. Violent behavior at this age would include
hitting other kids, biting, and kicking on a consistent
basis to get what they want. It's very important to hold
young children accountable and to teach them social
problem-solving skills they can use to replace violence.
With younger children, a system of consequences and rewards
that you use consistently can be very helpful in curbing
violence. Many kids are under-socialized and need extra
patience and teaching to learn these skills.
The Threshold
between Roughhousing and Violence: When to Draw the Line
Many parents know the line
between normal roughhousing and physical aggression as well
as they know the line between teasing and verbal abuse, and
for those parents it's very simple: listen to your gut
reaction. Don't forget, we're not trying to figure out where
your child thinks the line is, our job is to teach them
where the adults think the line is. Kids are excessive and
need adults to set limits on both the intensity and
frequency of physical roughhousing or verbal teasing. So for
those parents, the answer is really simple: If it doesn't
feel right to you, don't let them do it. A lot of today's
entertainment seems to raise the level of tolerance for
violence and abuse in our society, but I don't think this is
a good idea and I don't think parents should be very
tolerant of physical aggression or verbal abuse masquerading
as play in their home. By the way, the issue of verbal abuse
and threats is also very real, and I intend to address that
in an upcoming article.
For parents who are
uncertain about the threshold between roughhousing and
violence, here are some guidelines: If one child wants it to
stop, and the other child doesn't stop, that has crossed the
line. It's not playing if both parties don't have control
over how far it goes. If someone gets hurt it has to stop,
even if both parties want it to continue. If the physical
roughhousing is in retaliation for something, it should be
stopped. If the physical roughhousing is designed to
dominate a younger, smaller child, it should be stopped. If
the roughhousing is done at the wrong time or in the wrong
place, it should be stopped. If parents sense that it
crosses the line between playfulness and meanness they need
to step in right away. Don't forget, we're not judging kids
by their motives, we're judging them by their actions. So if
one kid says, "I didn't mean to hurt my brother or sister,"
that's irrelevant to us as parents. You need to say, "You
did hurt your brother, and it has to stop." Hold them
accountable and give them consequences for these behaviors.
Kids with Learning
Disabilities or Disorders
It also happens that kids
with learning disabilities and neurological problems don't
develop the problem-solving skills they need and may also
become violent. Remember this: if someone has a disorder
such as ADD, ADHD or ODD and manifests trouble dealing with
educational material such as math and English, the same
learning disability affects their ability to take in
non-educational information such as how to accept limits
read social situations and solve social problems. Parents
should understand that when kids are diagnosed with a
learning disability, that same learning disability affects
that kid globally, not only academically. What that means is
that kids who can't learn academics because of a learning
disability will have trouble dealing with more complex
topics like social problem-solving, getting along with
others and reading social situations. Keep this important
fact in mind: Often, when an adult and a child look at a
social scenario, they don't see the same picture. Children
with a learning disability or with behavioral disorders
react differently to a situation than adults do, because
they perceive and experience that situation very
differently.
Violent and
Destructive Behavior at School
When your child is behaving
violently at school, it's very important to work with the
school to find out as much about the situation with your
child as you can. This will help you decide how to respond
to the behavior at home. Is there something that triggers
your child's violent or destructive behavior that you can
help him learn how to manage? Next, set limits. If your
child is violent or destructive in school, there have to be
consequences at home. A lot of school misbehavior can be
dealt with by just letting the school give consequences, but
if violence or destruction is involved, parents have to also
hold the child accountable at home. Teach problem-solving
skills and connect using those skills with access to
privileges. What this means is that the things your child
enjoys, like television, video, computer, or cell phone,
should all be connected to his or her violent or destructive
behavior that day in school. Unfortunately, many kids who
are violent in school are also violent at home. So parents
may have a double-edged sword that they have to face. If
this is the case, parents will need external help in the
form of parental training or family therapy to get the
support they need.
Should I Call the
Police?
My experience is that the
police are most helpful when dealing with pre-teens and
teens. Parents may also need to call the police for younger
children because the situation has become physically
unmanageable. Know that with much younger children, calling
the police will not have the impact that it has on older
children. The police should be called when parents do not
feel they can manage the violence or property destruction
that is occurring in the home. I personally would not
hesitate to call the police when the crimes of property
destruction and violence are committed in my home.
I think that services
outside the home, such as the police or therapy or social
services, will be needed when kids reach the stage of
violence. Parents hear horror stories about kids involved
with the juvenile justice system and are often afraid to
contact them. I've found that the wheels of justice turn
really slowly. Getting the police involved and pressing
charges for violent or destructive behavior is a slow
process before the child gets to court. In that time, if
that child wants to demonstrate change, he'll have plenty of
opportunity.
My experience is the courts
do not want to remove kids from their homes. The government
simply does not want to pay for the care and treatment of
children who can be managed in their homes, and they will
look for any viable alternative. Sometimes this can mean
that services which the family cannot afford are provided
through the courts or social services. A colleague of mine
encourages parents to call police when things are calm to
get an idea of what the authorities will do if they're
called into a violent situation. I think this is a good
idea. Also, parents must understand two things: first,
violence and destructive behavior is a blatant sign that the
child cannot solve the problem appropriately, and is not
responding to parental authority. At this point, a more
powerful authority may be needed to maintain appropriate
behavioral limits. Secondly, violent and destructive
behavior becomes criminalized and gets teens and adults into
severe legal trouble. The earlier a successful intervention
is made, whether using outside authorities, treatment or
education, the more it enhances the chance that the child
will change and save himself and others a lot of grief.
"Is There Hope for
My Violent Child?"
Of course there is hope.
But hope is a tricky word. I believe hope without an
observable change in behavior or action is misguided.
Parents can hope for change in all kids, but if change
doesn't happen in the home, my experience is that that hope
is fruitless. If you have a child or a teen who is using
violence to get their way, you need help to learn how to do
something about it. There are behavioral management programs
which are available to parents, as well as cognitive
behaviorally-oriented therapists who can work with families.
Without outside help or intervention, my experience is that
excessive hope is unfounded.
