Aside from mad dogs and fishermen, who else would wake up before
the crack of dawn on a Saturday morning and crawl out of a warm,
comfortable bed to voluntary brave the elements outside? Why,
your friendly yard sale rummager, of course. With the arrival of
a more comfortable outdoor season and the memory of last year's
conquests still fresh in our minds, our thoughts turn to new
found treasures just waiting for their discovery by rummagers
like ourselves. But, more than once I have watched in complete
horror as that priceless antiquity slipped into unknowing hands
simply because they were the first one there, or the first to
catch the seller's eye. What can you do to optimize your yard
sale experience or, if you're newly addicted, what are the rules
of the road and some useful etiquette to practice when
bargaining with potential sellers?

You play this game as the buyer or seller of orphaned goods. The
buyer shuts off the alarm clock and shoves the spouse out of bed
to hastily brew a pot of coffee before they hit the road. The
seller prepares by placing free advertisements in the local
papers and scribbling on torn-up pieces of cardboard to make the
signs that guide us hapless Nimrods to our prospective treasure.
Accurate interpretation of signage is necessary if you intend to
beat the other guy to the booty. You begin by learning how to
differentiate between a lost cat sign and a yard sale sign. And
although any yard sale sign may lead to a find, you must also be
able to prioritize in case of multiple targets. "HUGE Yard Sale"
usually translates into "Scant Offerings." This is a clever ploy
to get people to spend their money first at his or her place
instead of the guy down the road. If you see a lot of parked
cars and people walking in another direction, don't think that
someone has created a diversion just for you. They haven't, so
follow the gang and see what you can salvage from the feeding
frenzy before it's too late.

This brings up a phenomenon I have witnessed that could be
interpreted as a malicious prank or strategic warfare. In a
certain area we frequent that is known for good finds there is a
nearby neighborhood that always seems to have yard sale signs
posted that lead to nowhere. We usually succumb to curiosity
after a time and follow the arrows but we always end up facing a
yellow "Not a Through Street" sign. I imagine a bunch of kids
peering out between drawn curtains laughing their heads off at
those silly fools that followed their signs to a dead end road.
Even worse, it could be a very clever rummager who places their
own signs to misguide the greedy in order to give themselves
more time to shop. I don't know which it may be, but there are a
lot of people who make a living from what they find at yard
sales and the rules of haggling don't start until the chips are
on the table, so drivers beware.

Once you've located a seller its time for a drive-by-a quick
peak at the offerings from the comfort of your car to determine
if it's worth getting out for or not. You will, of course, have
to navigate to avoid collision with not only other rummagers on
foot, but also the many beat-up vans and SUV's parked every way
imaginable. So you're out and about and mingling in with the
crowd, intently searching here and there, and lo and behold in
an old cardboard box tangled-up in some ancient Christmas
garland is that turn-of-the-century art vase you saw just last
night on the Antiques Road Show worth ten grand! You take a gulp
and look for the seller and hope she's still half asleep.

At this point there are a couple of rules that must be observed
in order to assure a successful transaction. First and foremost
is MOVE IT OR LOSE IT! This is where the Relinquish Rule goes
into effect. In the game of chess, it's the other guy's turn
when you let go of a moved piece. At a yard sale, if you don't
immediately pick-up the thing you can bet your life someone else
will, and they will most assuredly buy it, and for half of what
you had on mind. Second most important is AVOID AN AUCTION!
Don't wave that priceless object in the air getting the
attention of the seller AND the other buyers looking for the
same thing. Grab it, tuck it in, and quietly walk over to the
seller and say, "Hey, someone stuck a half-melted, multi-colored
candle in this thing. How about a buck and a half?" Now, if
you're a seller, it's time to practice some good old-fashioned
informal economy by way of unreported income. If you're a buyer,
this is where your bargaining skills come into play and subtlety
is the key. My wife has developed a particularly effective
technique (read sting) where she fills her pocket with a certain
amount of change and when making an offer, pulls out the handful
of coins and shows it to the victim asking, "Would you take what
I have left in my pocket for it?" She then lets them pluck the
coins out of her hand in total submission to the deal.

The amount you offer, or counter-offer, depends on the time of
day. The early morning hours of fresh discoveries usually demand
the highest prices, while the afternoon sun motivates the seller
to consider heavy discounts verses lugging it all back into the
garage. You'll also run into sellers that are so sick and tired
at looking at the same old junk that they will gladly let it go
for almost nothing just for the sake of transferring ownership.
Also, if you are a seller, remember that a yard sale is not
limited to mobile customers. The neighbors may also be
interested in your wares so you must be careful not to put
yourself into an embarrassing position by unloading something on
them now that might become gossip fodder for them and everyone
else later.

There is a commonality in all yard sales and that is of content.
In order of preponderance you can expect to find, above all, an
abundance of clothing-mounds and mounds of it. I think the
economy of this entire country could exist on what people spend
on clothing alone. Next is a bewildering assortment of forsaken
toys and children's furniture. I bet Toys "R" Us would double
their fortune if they opened a second-hand store. Then come
books and magazines, kitchen goods, sporting goods, and other
miscellaneous items such as personal electronics and tools.
Interestingly, Tupperware and art are always overlooked. Sure
the beauty of art is in the eye of the beholder, but yard sale
Tupperware sells for a fraction of the original cost and it's
always so useful. I see large families attending yard sales and
wonder why they weren't clawing for the Tupperware until it
finally hit me-they eat out more often than at home. Could
eating out now cost less than preparing food at home? You'll
also find a copious selection of nicotine-stained Robert Wood
landscape reproductions still available in their original
simulated wood-grained frame that will remind you of those good
ole' days when motel rooms with kitchenettes were as common as
cactus.

So now that you've gathered a mountainous collection of the
worlds finest of all sought after treasures, what do you do with
it? This is the point of evolution for the rummager. You have a
yard sale.

By Mike Vines lives in the rolling hills of so-central Kentucky with his wife, Gay, several foster children, LaMancha dairy goats, chickens, guineas and just about any other critter that wanders onto their property or are given by friends